Ervin, I spent the requisite 3.7 hours attempting to get through your full two-page ad on pages 14 and 15 of the December 1st Florida Bar News. After several brief naps and thirty-two shots of cafecito, I persevered and made it to the end.

In it, you set forth a detailed and thoughtful agenda for change if elected as President-Elect of the Florida Bar. You already know you have my support.

But I paid particular attention to your section on technology:

"My administration will take advantage of the technological advances that have been made in recent years and provide greater access to electronic filing of court documents, internet seminars, teleconferencing meetings and interactive web based seminars and programs for Florida lawyers."

Recently we saw how you pretty much own YouTube.

So naturally I went to your website electervingonzalez.com, expecting it to be nearly as neat as the new Avatar interactive trailer and here's what I found:

Web Site Coming Soon

Huh?

Umm, that's ok -- you have a very busy practice I'm sure you'll get your IT guy to put something up soon.

Then I saw in your ad you mention your Twitter account so of course I wanted to get your "tweets" and follow you like I do Meghan McCain and Sarah Silverman but here's what I found:

We couldn't find anyone named Ervin A. Gonzalez.

Now that's odd.

When I put it "Ervin Gonzalez" this is what comes up:

Did you mean erwin gonzalez?

We couldn't find anyone named Ervin Gonzalez.

Listen, I don't want to fly off the handle and accuse your opponent of an internet-savvy "dirty-tricks" campaign or anything (that would involve me having to look up who your opponent is, for one thing).

But something is rotten in cyberspace, dude.

Ervin (alright, you too Mr. Erstwhile Opponent), you are more than welcome to use this limited plot of intertubular real estate to make your case to the good lawyers and judges of South Florida -- or at least the ones who spend way too much time screwing around on here.

Play nice, fellas!

No, not in that way.

But your extraordinary certainty in the application of God's law to Florida gay adoption issues is either admirable or very scary:

Law which accurately contemplated this eventuality for the Jewish people (and the fact that slavery continues even today) is perfect God-given law. Time is no factor. God is unchanging and immutable, meaning He is absolute, unchallengeable, unassailable, indisputable, incontrovertible, and undeniable.

Exactly what law school did you learn this in?

You know, when I took the oath at the 3d DCA they must have left out that part.

According to George, God is like a slightly anal Dr. Weil, but without the fun psychotropics:

Coleman never understood that laws of Leviticus are health laws. Skin and blood infections abound when laws of adultery are broken (hence STDs and AIDS), and when garments of mixed animal materials are interwoven and worn in direct contact with human skin without sanitary lining. Harnessing horses and donkeys together results in uneven pulls on both animals, and greater injury risk to the farmer and his animals. Coleman should notice that serious health law violations which imperil people have greater legal remedies. Today’s research confirms great health benefits of those today who obey God’s law.

God’s laws condemning homosexual practices (Lev. 18:22) as an abomination remain consistent with all other health laws. As remedy for violating this law, God’s will separates those who defile themselves with homosexuality from the community (Lev. 18:29-30). Nowhere in 66 books of the Bible are children permitted to live with practicing homosexuals.

(I take it back -- maybe there were some psilocybin mushrooms somehow involved.)

But George makes a good point.

In fact, I insist that everyone in Florida live exactly according to George's conception of God's law.

Forget H1N1, George and I propose the Florida Legislature immediately pass a statute forbidding the sale of "garments of mixed animal materials interwoven and worn in direct contact with human skin without sanitary lining."

It's a health issue, people.

We also demand that horses and donkeys never be harnessed together (if you've seen Bachelor Party I think the reasons are obvious).

And don't get me started on sowing fields with mingled seeds.

Note to my friends at the Florida Bar News -- you've managed to turn your letters page into a "George L. Metcalfe" bot.

Each month letters are written and George responds, thus leading to more letters and responses in an infinite loop.

I guess George is right -- this endless letters debate is "unchanging and immutable" -- in other words, just like George.