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A spy report from inside Judge Zeller's courtroom this morning, all regarding one lawyer who shall remain nameless:

1. Try to be on time.

Coming 20 minutes late and making your way through a crowded courtroom while the judge is speaking is probably a bad idea.

2. Take off your cheap sunglasses.

Once you have entered the courthouse, put them away. Continuing to wear them even as you sit down inside the courtroom makes you look like a schmuck.

3. Take the gum out of your mouth.

This is especially true when addressing the Court. If the Judge has to direct you -- a lawyer -- to stop chewing like a cow and to spit out your gum when you make your argument, you are in fact a real schmuck.

4. If you need to move for a continuance, you probably ought to put it in writing.

Also, if the Court asked you if you filed one, you should probably answer yes or no. Last I checked, there was some sort of rule against ore tenus continuance motions, and you should probably have reviewed it before looking like a first-class, genuine schmuck.

Class dismissed, kids!