At Kelsey & Trask, we like to tell our clients that we assist them in the process of transitioning from one chapter in their lives to the next. In the context of divorce, this transition for many is emotionally difficult. At times, there is often the urge to lash out at one's soon-to-be former spouse, and many people are drawn to the concept of "winning," or righting a wrong.



There are very few pure victories in Probate & Family Court. The nature of the legal process of getting divorced is incomparable to a criminal trial, where a defendant is found guilty or not guilty, or a civil trial, where a defendant is found liable or not liable. I have often explained to clients that "divorce court is not like the television show by the same name." Just because there is a judge does not mean that your worth as a husband or wife will be judged; no "winner" will be announced.



The evolution of no-fault divorce was meant in part to prevent having a courtroom regularly host the high-emotion conflict that one might see on "The Jerry Springer Show" or "Maury." Divorce court is disappointingly unsupportive for those looking to air their grievances against their former mate.



There are certainly instances where cases are litigated in a way that exposing the skeletons in a soon-to-be former spouse's closet is necessary. However, it is important to realize that the system of divorce court is ill-suited for emotional healing. It is designed to divvy up what the couple has and set up a plan for the children, if any, without diving into the psychology of the individuals involved unless the situation requires it.



As stated in a recent post , we wrote about how some emotional issues that arise during the divorce process are better suited for a specialist than an attorney, and we often refer our clients to someone with more training in the appropriate field.



It is important to realize that divorce court's shortcoming as a psychological healing forum means that often finalizing a divorce does not mean the end of the emotional aspect of breaking up. More times than not there is at least some residual bitterness and negativity, and dealing with these emotions at some juncture is necessary. While we at Kelsey & Trask will do everything that we can to assist in handling the legal transition, we are glad to be able to point you in the right direction if additional support would be helpful.

NO.

That was easy, next blog post... No, you want more than that? Okay:

Divorce is by definition about the failure of a plan. You got married, you took vows, and it didn't work out. Whether or not you are about assigning blame (and there is usually enough to go around), divorce is about picking up the pieces of a failure. Accepting that disappointment is as important a step in moving on as accepting that the marriage was over in the first place.

If you take that failure personally, you should discuss those feelings with friends, family or a professional therapist. You shouldn't ignore them because you need to find a way to move past them in order to deal with the practical realities of dividing up a marital life.

With respect to finances, divorce means dividing up a business partnership, and there is no perfect or ideal way to do this. In Massachusetts, the court can consider numerous factors in how to do this (M.G.L. c. 208 s34), but in practice most cases settle, and they settle based on what both parties can live with. You won't get everything you want, but neither will the other side.

With respect to children, even if you do the best you can parenting apart is never ideal. In many situations and for many relationships it may be better than parenting together, but even the best parents can't undue the loss a child feels when their parents break up. I was reminded of this when reading a simple quote from an interview with Jack Black in the Guardian, in which he matter-of-factly indicates that his parents divorced and as a kid the simple fact "that they can't live with each other makes you feel there's something wrong with you." In many ways parenting is about doing your best with what you have anyway, and no where is this more true than in parenting apart. You can educate yourself and make the best of it, and minimize the trauma on your children. But to do that you have to first accept that this situation is not perfect, and find ways to compensate.

At the end of the day, realizing that there is no perfect divorce is an important step in figuring out how to look at the future rather than dwell on the failures of the past. Sometimes the cliché is true: whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

As I get older I have begun to realize how much of my success is due to the support I receive from my family and friends. Without that support system to help me in the difficult times I wouldn't have had the courage and confidence to take many of the chances in my life that have led me to where I am. This has brought me to realize how important our support systems are and how often we take them for granted.

Going through a divorce is often described as the second most stressful event in a person's life (next to the death of a loved one). It is important to find ways to reduce this stress so it doesn't negatively affect other areas of your life.

When people experience the death of a loved one, social conventions provide many events and opportunities for family and friends to provide support. But talking about divorce is different. Sometimes people feel uncomfortable talking about their divorce with their friends and family. In addition, sometimes sharing too much about your divorce case with friends can make its way back to your spouse (as we warned about in a previous post: 5 Worst Divorce Mistakes - MISTAKE #3: "Our friends should know my side of the story!").

If you have a strong support system don't be afraid to lean on them when times are tough (and to be there for them when they need you). If you're having difficulty dealing with the stress of a divorce case, and your support system is not as helpful as you need, then seek professional help. We often recommend that our clients meet with a therapist to ensure that they are dealing with their emotions in a healthy way. If you're comfortable having an attorney help you with the legal aspects of your case, you should also be comfortable admitting you might need help (from family or a trained professional) to help you with the other aspects.