There are two ways to ask this question: Can I start dating while my divorce case is pending? and Should I start dating while my divorce case is pending?

If you ask five different attorneys whether you should start dating during a divorce, you will probably get five different answers but here is ours:

From a technical legal standpoint, adultery in Massachusetts is still a crime. Although it is almost never prosecuted it is important to note that if you engage in an intimate relationship while still married you are technically violating Massachusetts law and this could be brought up in your divorce case.

From a more practical standpoint, as many of my clients have heard, I have a saying that goes "Don't live your life for your divorce case." By that I mean that you have to still live your life and make choices that are good for you, and not just good for your divorce case. But you also have to recognize that choices have consequences.

In this instance if you have met someone who truly makes your life better, I don't believe it is my place as your attorney to tell you that you shouldn't pursue that relationship. However, you should be aware of the potential consequences so that you can make an informed decision about whether it would be more prudent to wait until the divorce process is over.

You can minimize the potential consequences through the use of common sense. For example, one possible consequence of starting a relationship is the emotional impact on your spouse. As discussed in a previous post, the discovery of an extra-marital relationship can cause some people to become very upset, becoming more difficult to deal with and sometimes even impossible to settle with. You can mitigate this possibility by being discreet, and not rubbing the new relationship in your spouse's face (for instance by bringing the new significant other to court with you).

Another example relates to the finances. Any funds spent with or for a dating relationship during a divorce process could be seen as wasting of marital assets and will likely become an issue in the division of assets. Similarly if support is an issue any funds that can be spent on a dating relationship could arguably be available for support of your former spouse. You can minimize this issue by not spending any money on the new relationship until after the divorce is final.

Finally, if you have children, whether or not you choose to start a new relationship during the divorce process or afterwards you should give special consideration to how this will affect your children. It is universally accepted that introducing anyone new to your children at the early stages of a relationship is not healthy for the children, especially if the likelihood is that many such relationships will not work out. In addition, trying to introduce anyone to the children (even someone you are serious about) during the divorce process can be traumatic because the children are already dealing with a significant transition in their lives. If you are not sure the best way to handle introducing children to a significant other when they become significant, you should consult with a trained professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist.

According to a Boston.com article a woman in Ohio learned via Facebook that her Husband had re-married, despite still being married to her. While the article suggests that there is some disagreement about whether or not the original marriage was valid, it's clear that the Husband should have waited to have the validity of his first marriage determined prior to getting married again. He has risked having his second marriage void, if the first is found to be valid.

This situation is not typical because most clients seeking to end a marriage state that they are not in a rush to get married again. However, according to the U.S. Census Bureau between 66 and 75% of people who get divorced get remarried. Many of these remarriages are less than one year after the divorce.

At the very least you are required to wait to get remarried until the day when you are officially divorced. In Massachusetts there is a waiting period (90 days for Complaints for Divorce, and 120 days for Joint Petitions) until a Divorce becomes final after the hearing. A Judgment of Divorce Nisi does not become absolute until 90 days later, and you are therefore technically still married during that waiting period. If you want your second marriage to be valid you must wait at least that long before getting remarried.

Although this may seem like an unusual problem, since many couples are now choosing long-term separation over divorce, the eventual divorce may occur well after the marriage has practically ended. In fact, the new relationship is more often the impetus behind the ending of a long-term separation. For a discussion on the other issues raised by long-term separation vs. divorce check out our previous post.

According to a recent New York Times article, more couples are staying married in long-term separations instead of getting divorced.

There can be some advantages to staying married, even if separated. For some, their religious or family obligations make divorce impractical. For others, financial considerations can warrant staying married. If a couple continues to share finances, it can often be beneficial (at least for one of the parties) to stay married. But there are risks as well.

In Massachusetts, there is no such thing as a legal separation. This means that if you remain married, even if separated, then there are certain obligations and liabilities that continue. Although there is an action that allows for support in a separation (called a Complaint for Separate Support, Custody and Visitation), this action deals only with the issue of support, custody and visitation for parties living apart. A Separate Support action does not separate assets or debts, and does not address the ongoing obligations, such as joint liabilities.

Depending on the reasons that two people are staying together, long-term separation may make sense, but if your marriage is in reality broken down, you should at least consult with an attorney to know what effect long-term separation could have on your legal rights and obligations. As a simple example, property division and spousal support obligations can be significantly different based solely on the length of the marriage. If you are separated but remain married for a long period of time you could therefore end up with a completely different resolution if divorce was truly inevitable.

As discussed in a previous post a Parenting Plan is a comprehensive agreement which sets out both the time that children will spend with each parent as well as the rights and obligations of each parent to the children and the other parent during their parenting time. Parenting Plans can be made specific or flexible depending on the requirements of each case but usually contain a base schedule.

In most cases it is also advisable to supplement the base schedule with a holiday schedule. At Kelsey & Trask, P.C. we have a template holiday plan that includes proposed schedules for many of the typical holidays that parents and children enjoy sharing together. However, we often encourage our clients to try and create their own holiday plans based on their family traditions, trying to keep as much of the family traditions intact for children already experiencing many changes.

If you are a separated or divorcing parent, we suggest that you pay special attention to how your children experience holidays and how each parent can continue to share in those traditions.